just a thought

Ass.wr.wb

mama, kemaren ya.. aku khan makan malem sama temen2 aku, and one of my good friends from Thailand said that she got a job offer from the office where she's interning this summer. I know bbrp org pun have gotten offers dr boss mrk. It struck me a bit and made me realized even more kalau aku dah gak bisa ongkang-ongkang kaki cuma mikir kelas apa yang mau aku ambil during the semester. Yaa.. aku tahu that my first priority now is to get through the semester in NY dengan baik... tp what I heard last night made me thought kalau aku harus lebih tegar dan tawakal...

hari sabtu malem mas yogi and I had a looooooooooooooooong discussion. mnrt dia, belakangan ini aku slalu terlihat punya beban gede banget that i wasnt able to have fun >_< pas aku brng org2 aku sih gpp, but as soon as everyone leaves the room, aku kepikiran lg, and you know what it was about.
Ma, selama ini buanyak bgt yg aku syukuri... I'm blessed with a wonderful family who always supports me... ada mas yogi yang has contributed a lot smenjak aku ada di wes... org2 di sekeliling aku dr aku kecil, baik itu guru2 maupun temen2, mrk ada u/ ngedukung aku in various ways. dari aku kecil, Alhamdullillah Allah ngasih kelancaran dalam macem2 kegiatan aku, ya sekolah, excul, AFS.. macem2 hal aku jalani dengan bantuan Allah and I'm happy and proud of all of the things I've done in the past.

trs mas Yogi nanya, then what are you afraid of? why are you so worried about what's coming ahead of you?
mungkin krn smuanya trasa campur aduk bgt jdnya aku gak tahu mesti gimana >_< sometimes I think if I had done the NY program earlier in my junior year, things would have been different. yaa.. mungkin aja, like there'll be a less pressure , aku gak se-chicken sekarang... tp NY is coming up and ntah knp aku gak pd, takut, worried, gak jlas gt jd aku mikir smuanya :( it's annoying to see myself like this, worried, anxious everyday!

So i told mas yogi (and sort of to myself also since i've been asking that question myself over and over) that aku kyk gini skrg coz mmm... "i think i have a lot of passion in education and i'm pursuing one of them soon. I'm afraid that i wont be good at it and/or I wont like it. if this is so, then what would I do next???!!!"
it sounds so pathetic right? musuh belom keliatan dah mundur perang! >_< then i realized kalau aku sm skali gak boleh mikir kyk gt. Wesleyan, AFS, tarq, smuanya gak akan ada tanpa bantuan Allah... gak tahu knp aku tiba2 ngrasa gak pd akan kemampuan aku, and more so akan kuasa Allah yang slalu memberi yang terbaik kepada umatNya. Aku inget apa kata mama kalau apa yang diberi Allah ke kita itu adalah yang terbaik bagi kita, meski kita gak bisa langsung melihat/merasakan hikmahnya... semester depan memang a big deal for me, tp bukan berarti it's the last choice i have. i have some small experience teaching and i have always enjoyed teaching. semester depan it's another experience buat aku yang Insya Allah bisa ngebantu aku di masa yang akan datang, amin. emang kedengarannya gak gampang di NY nanti, tp hey... life has more and more challenges for me to face from now on and i'm sure klo ini akan jd pengalaman yang bagus buat aku, right, right?

after a long talk filled wth tears (hehehhe...), i feel that i have to gain back PD aku, di segala hal... and about getting job bla bla bla... I'LL DO MY BEST! temen2 aku ya temen2 aku, mereka bukan aku and i'm not them, jadi ya... apa yang kita dapat pasti akan beda2, ya gak??

smalem aku bilang sm mas Yogi.. "mas, 3 tahun yang lalu kamu senior, pertama kali ketemu aku yang masih "lugu" (hahhaha). but now, aku yang senior..." duuu.. gak krasa ya ma, aku almost complete my wesleyan journey. koq ya cepet bgt ya???!!! aku hrs look forward with a big smile dan niat yang baik for hal2 di depan aku... Insya Allah, aku akan dituntun ke jalan yang penuh dengan hal-hal yang terbaik untuk aku... Amin.
no more excessive tears (heheh.. i cant say no more tears :p) berjuang, berjuang!

i love you,
-tia-