a transcrip of a new call centre recently set up for acme health institute:

a transcrip of a new call centre recently set up for acme health institute:

hello and welcome to the mental health online

if u are obsessive compulsive press 1 repeatedly

if u are co-dependent please ask someone to press 2 for you

if u have multiple personalities press 3,4,5 and 6

if u are paranoid, we know who u are and what u want stay on the line so we can trace the call

if u are delusional, press 7 and ur call will be transferred to the mothership

if u are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell u what number to press

if u are manic depressive, it doesnt matter which number u call coz no one will answer

if u are dyslexic press 69835787526524200

if u have nervous disorder please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on a line

if u have amnesia press 8 and state ur name, address, phone number, date of birth, credit card number and ur mother's maiden name

if u have post-traumatic disorder careful and slowly press 000

if u have bipolar disorder please leave a message after the beep, before the beep or after the beep

if u have short term memory loss press 9

if u have short term memory loss press 9

if u have short term memory loss press 9

if u have self low esteem, please hang up. all of our operators are too busy too talk to you.

thank you for calling the mental health online