what is it that I want???

Sometimes I wish Doraemon, the Japanese robot cat, really exist. I want to borrow his time machine and take a peak to where I'd be 10 years from now...

Future....

that's a word that I can't describe now. I don't know what I want for my future. I have never been like this, at least not this LOST! Ever since I came back from Argentina, I was scared... scared not knowing what my future would look like after I leave the Wesleyan bubble and step into the what-everyone-call.. the real world.

Where would I be? What would I do?

I should be happy coz I got an internship, teaching internship at the Language Stars at Wilmette, IL. I mean, it doesn't pay me much... guess, so long as you work for a non-profit or teaching, you shouldn't expect getting $800/week. It'll involve teaching Spanish... yeah, teaching language... something that I have always wanted to do. thus should I say, my dream job????
But, am I happy now? Am I excited about going to IL this summer? NO..NO..NO..! I'm scared and I don't know if I'd be happy working for 10 weeks in Wilmette. I guess, partly coz I'd be in a place where I don't know anybody... I don't have a place to stay yet... And I won't be with Mas Yogi. But those should be things that I could handle easily, it's just a matter of time.

So, now what????

I think the point is that I don't know if that's something that I want to do. So, what do I want to do??? I wish I have the answer now... I know that I want to be involved in teaching. I mean, if I don't have that high of an interest, I wouldn't have worked my ass off to get the Urban Education Semester program--the whole petitioning, convincing the whole world, including myself that I wanted to be there next sem.. bla..bla..bla... Now, Language Stars is teaching, but then why don't I want it now?

What do I want now???

I want to go home... back to where my parents and my sisters are... I think I need time to recharge myself. Next semester is going to be a brand new semester for me. Working for a public school during the day, taking classes at night... in New York City! I've never been quite pleased with NYC :p but I'm excited about it! It's going to be a very different experience there and I seriously look forward to it. And I want to have 100% energy for it... I want to be fully fresh and charged.. ready for it!

So, going home this summer?

Probably... I cant say that I'd get something better than Wilmette.. I mean, hopefully... but I hope I could refresh my mind and energy by being at home for I don't know... 2 months... I was thinking about what I could do should I go home.
I could study Chinese since I won't be able to do that next semester.
I could work for AFS orientations (though the permission might be hard to get from my parents).
I could try to contact Iwan's dad and see if I could "bother" him at the Dept of Education.
I could... eat good foooooooooooooooooooood :p
The point is... I could relax and get myself ready for the future. I shouldn't think that going home means I'm a loser.. I'm not a loser! Why is being in your own hometown considered a bad thing??? weird!

Soooooooooooooooooo... I wanna go home!